3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
