just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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