Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
