just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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