So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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