I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
