Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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