My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
