do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
