Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
