I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
