the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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