i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
