dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
