he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
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"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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