Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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