i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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