I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
