im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
