so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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