I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
