I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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