I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
