So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
