I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.