I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night