btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
