I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
