We're facebook friends in real life
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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