My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
