I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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