my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
no, he came in my armpit
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
