Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
