Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
