News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
