So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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