I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
