Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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