Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
