so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.