I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?