What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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