I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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