I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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