so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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