girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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