you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
