I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
