One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
