He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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