Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
