So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
