I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
