my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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