I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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