There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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