Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just invented taco cereal.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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