I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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